Sunday, 26 April 2009

Sick Muse

I've been thinking.
I am 21 years old. Two years away from the perfect age. I live in a houseshare with four other people. Idiots, but artists. I go to a prestige University in south England, transferring to an even more prestige University in south London in September. I had the chance to move to California for 4 years, if money didn't matter. I am single and relatively enjoying it. I have enough male friends to randomly start affairs, but won't do it because I like them too much. I also have people on another continent caring about me, sending me birthday presents, although we won't be seeing each other for another year. I have the best friend back home you can ever imagine. I have friends in other countries who come to visit me only to drink gin with me at the beach. I have two people here who come to my place only to eat ice cream with me so I'm not alone. I have the chance of having amazing housemates for the next three years, if things actually work out the way they should. I could be super famous by the age of 30, making thousands every time I sell one picture. I have every chance in the world.
Yet, I am still unsatisfied.

Sunday, 19 April 2009

I'm not scared

It's been a while again, life here is busy.
News in sentences.
I got into Calarts. They offered me a $8000 scholarship, which is awesome, but not enough to actually go there. Now I'm hoping for my masters in California. A girl can dream, right?
I accepted Camberwell, finding a flat/house is harder then expected. Moving in with Jedrezj, that incredibly talented photographer from my course, hopefully Lisa and maybe another girl who's doing Illustration. Could be good, could also be too much. I'm excited for Camberwell, although it will never be CalArts.
But they apparently have an exchange program with New York City, I'm dreaming.
Summerplans are ruined thanks to stupid tenancy regulations in London. We'll have to find a flat in August instead of May, meaning I won't be able to go on my 3 months cross country road trip. I kind of knew that it would go wrong, yet again, I was dreaming. Now I'm left with three, sort of four other possiblities. Either Thailand or India for 5 weeks in July/beginning of August, eastern Europe by train for 5 weeks or a reduced 5 week road trip through the US. Last possibility is kind of out because I told myself either do it properly or not at all. So I'm left with Thailand, India and eastern Europe and totally clueless. Thailand seemed very attractive yesterday, today it's eastern Europe.

Professional wise, things are going good, I think. I had to give my work into the hands of a professional printer because my standards are too high and because I want/got offered a bigger exhibition space than the other people in my group show. So now it's waiting.
Picture post is coming up eventually, right now I just want to get things over with, then I'll start uploading low res files to flickr. Oh, and maybe even my own homepage, depending on when Murat and me are getting around on doing it.

Sunday, 22 March 2009

10 Dollar

Mind shopping list for myself. Just to note how much electrical bullshit I still need to by. Prices are Amazon prices.
Sekonic lightmeter 258.06
Polarising filter 22.79 (instead of 104, I should maybe use that as an advantage and order soon)
Metz flash gun 321.45
Manfrotto tripod 133.95
and eventually, once I will set up my own lab
Enlarger 546,21 plus all the chemicals/paper and wet stuff that comes with it.
I have no idea how to pay for that.

and I'll do my laundry now to get my mind off things.

Thursday, 19 March 2009

The Passenger

yes it's been some time. And today is one of those days. I woke up way too early, don't really have to go into Uni, but I will anyways because there is nothing else to do.

Sunshine outside, but I owe everybody here some updates.
LCC interview was horrible, the two men were really mean, some of what they said: "your work is just a simple excuse to meet people" or "You cannot go on working like this because attendance is a vital part of this course. You have to give 100% when you are studying with us and cannot go on trips around the world all the time. Your attendance has to be there." Bastards. I got in anyways.
By now I don't want to go there any more, Camberwell interview is coming up next week, Westminster the week after. I withdrew my application from London Met, will probably do the same with University of East London, if they ever get back to me.

Right now I feel like life has taken me on a journey of which I don't know the final destination. Camberwell by now is the place where I want to be, but I thought the same about LCC before I had this terrible interview and noticed how less the people there actually care whether I'm one of their students. Matt, one of my tutors, said a good photographer will make the most out of any photography course, no matter how good or bad the ratings are. Sometimes I believe in it, sometimes I don't. Bournemouth did give me a massive load of confidence when it comes to talking about my work and generally making it clear that photography is a profession like any other, yet again, I still have massive doubts. Doubts about not being able to pay back the loans I will have to take starting this September, doubts that London might be the place to be, the unis but just simply too rough, doubts about everything, that staying at home and saving money might be a better idea. But saving money for what? I don't know either to be honest.
I guess I just have to ignore the voices in my head, just like I did before I moved to Bournemouth. I mean in the end, everything turned out right.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009


National Express is advising their costumers to be at the airport three hours before the departure of the flight. Yes, three hours. Who the hell is at the airport three hours before the flight? When I'm in London I start making my way to the tube three hours before departure. Back home, I don't even start driving. 2 hours before the departure is the guided time they give you if your destination is outside of Europe. 1.5 hours within Europe. But no, National Express wants you to be three hours early. I get their point when saying there could be any delays and I have to admit that I am nervous about this Friday, having only 1 hour and ten minutes from bus arrival to flight departure. But I believe it's possible. I even believe that my flight will be delayed due to weather conditions back in Frankfurt. But most of all I believe this is going to work out. Yet again, I've always been afraid of missing my flight and it would just make sense that this one could be the moment my fear becomes reality. I don't even know why I don't care that much this time. I guess deep down I just believe that it's going to work out, even tho I'm departing from Terminal 5 where security takes twice as long as in Terminals 1-4, and three times as long as back home. But yes, I do still believe. Wish me luck!

Saturday, 14 February 2009


I tried holding back this post for several weeks now, but the point came at which I cannot restrain myself any more.

You've heard it all before. Children starve in Africa, homeless people begging for money only to buy themselves some bread, the usual arguments when the plate hasn't been completely emptied. The people throwing around these statements should meet one of my housemates. Nahiyan. He usually orders food online because he's too lazy to go around the corner to our rather big selection of supermarkets: Sainsbury's (walking distance: 10 minutes), Somerfield (walking distance: 5 minutes), Tesco express (walking distance: 5 minutes) and finally for the cheapos out there Lidl (walking distance: 15 minutes). So it can't be the lack of selection, it must be sheer laziness. On Thursday he got a delievery at 9.30am. He just left the stuff standing in the kitchen and went back to bed. I noticed the milk standing around which is supposed to be refrigerated, the sweets filled with whipped cream and custard, all meant for the fridge. In addition to that, only on Monday he also got another food delivery, of which most of it went off as well. Because he not only doesn't put stuff in the fridge, but apparently he also doesn't know about an invention named freezer. The fries just lay around in the fridge until he eventually got them out, left them on the counter and I threw them away earlier today, without even daring to look inside.
He leaves everything on the counter. By now I also started looking in his cupboard, in which right now there are four naan breads which went off two days ago, but they still look good, croissants bbf 11th feb, still good, tried them, only a bit dried out.

To make it more clear, here a list of things I got off him for free because he wanted to throw it away:
two full bags of oranges
half a jar of delicious humous
uncountable amount of bread
half a pack of honey nut
vegetables, loads of vegetables

He doesn't know of any of these things. Because, and here's the other thing I actually wanted to hold back, but just cannot restrain myself any more, he doesn't put stuff in the bin. He just leaves the stuff on the counter until it really goes of. Meaning, until the still half full juice container slowly blows up, until the only 1/4 emptied chocolate milk slowly first turns into yogurt and then starts dividing itself into water and dried up chocolate milk and eventually blows up as well, the grapes go from good looking attractive edible to slowly getting grey to completely covered in mold. I asked him why he just leaves the stuff on the counter instead of simply throwing it in the bin. His answer: I just can't be bothered. Strange tho: the bin is closer than the counter in the kitchen. It's standing right next to the door, the counter only starts halfway into the kitchen.

As I am writing this I am having Jalapeno humous on bread. My bread, his humous. Also I converted one bag of oranges into a tasty homemade orange-juice/smoothy. He went to London for the weekend, Ollie and I desperately hope he won't be back tonight then we can have a massive feast with all his food which will go off today: salmon, chocolate milk, more humous, lettuce, cucumber, strawberries, minced meat, croissants, naan bread. This would be an amazing dinner.
If not, the naan bread already went of two days ago, I'm thinking about just putting it in the freezer, I'm pretty sure he won't even notice. And if he did he would never ask me neither blame it on me. There's no proof. I don't consider it stealing. Because instead of throwing it away it just helps me save money. Also, he owes me all those sleepness nights because of the xbox and way too loud sound.

Friday, 13 February 2009


I'm going to choose the lazy way and simply do this:
It has all of the stuff I published this term, meaning all the stuff I took to my assessment (which I passed with a beautiful 100%, about 2 hours ago)

I finally managed to get a neutral flickr account, leaving me with two more to upload all kinds of nonsense to it. But this one will be art stuff exclusively, and if I can convince myself I'll even upgrade to pro and begin sorting out all my series.

As for interviews, three are coming up: London met (bleh), Westminster (about which I am getting more and more excited, the course seems to be really good) and LCC (classic).

Final Major started, I have two standing ideas, one of which I prefer but everybody else seems to like #2 better. Pitch on Wednesday, then I'll know more.